Tuesday, April 27, 2010
falling from grace.
maybe i have isolated myself from the embraces of love for a long time, that i've forgotten how is it like to love, to trust, to be truly happy...
who dosen't wanna be happy, really? i do, and thats why i chose singlehood. until you came along...
i dont sleep the same, act the same. i dont even talk the same. its almost like im not me anymore. where's care-free, optimistic benjy? i miss him. wonder how is he doing... wonder if he will ever come back...
i miss my friends. those i used to party, go crazy and embrace the colors of singlehood with. im sorry, guys, but i guess thats life; to get something, we sometimes gotta lose something...
i used to sleep for hours after hours guiltlessly. like ive got nothing to lose. nothing to look forward to. now, despite the increasingly fatigue everyday routine, sleep dosent come anywhere near me. even after ive finally got it, i get woken up by the slightest sound, in cold sweat, afraid of what the new day might bring.
yes, afraid. no more "its gonna be a much better day today!" that benjy almost dosent exist anymore.
i hate it. i hate it so bad. peace? happiness? who fricking dont want them?
nobody told me love was all about sacrificing your happiness for another. arent both parties suppose to be happy at the same time? somebody, please enlighten me...
doubts are like helium balloons; volatile and light. if you dont grab them and tie them gently on to something, they will fly high above the clouds. where will they end up floating to, we will never know. one thing is for sure, though. upon reaching a certain altitude, it will bursts.
my doubts took me high up there. you couldnt wait. you shot the balloons down, yours truly along with it.
does it matter? i still got what i wanted; to get my foot back down on earth. i just dont know if you did it because you really wanted to save me and panicked, or youre just too tired and cropped up with what youre doing to think about my survival...
things like that dont happen all the time. people live to learn life lessons. a kid who got trapped in a lift will never step into one alone again in the future. not unless he gets some sort of comfort from a trustworthy someone...
today, i learnt a life lesson. i do not believe in the theories behind it, but i have no choice but to abide by it. thats life; someone will always have to take it in. today, life taught me that if youre trapped in the sky hanging for your life on a bunch of balloons, hang in there, dont panic, and choose who you pick to save you... some go the extra mile to ensure your well-being while others, just dont see the need to. unconditional love dosent exist here, so it seems...
it was always you, though...
despite the pain......
to love you, ive lost myself...
life's a liar;
4/27/2010 02:52:00 PM
it's never as simple as it seems.
the copper key.
tired, but a ranting session cant be avoided tonight. nope, not in this cold, lonely night.so it may seem that im often found to be unhappy and complaining about a multitude of issues, be it school, work, dance, love. simply said, i complain about the various puzzle pieces that life throws at us.well, yeah. on a verbal and physical perspective, i sometimes do seem like a person who expects the world from his surroundings. like who dosent, right? we're only human and being human, we cannot get enough of anything. despite this allegation on mankind, it is no one's right to take it for granted. sometimes, we gotta stop what we are doing for a moment just to remind ourselves where we actually stand. of course, being benjy, i will stop for more than just a moment... and there comes another pile of bullcrap "warning letters" to take into consideration...anyways, back to the topic. expectations... painful, painful tools the mind uses to warp "us" into the future, allowing us to take control of the outcome even before it might/might not happen. hell no, they werent created for that purpose. but under dire circumstances where the body has exhausted itself and the brain, left to wander aimlessly, who can blame it for being bored?but you know what hurts the most? its a lot lesser than falling from high up above cloud 9. and trust me, i really do not wanna get that high. some call it a lack of faith, i call it a safety precaution. besides, being pushed down from the highest order of what we perceive as our soon-to-be-life just to end up with piercing glances from the world penetrating deep into the heart of ones ego? i think ill pass.(sometimes, less really is more and nothing is actually much more than less.) what's hurting and to a certain degree, demoralizing, is that the lowest levels of expectations we somehow end up seeking to take control of as a form of 'consolation prize' can be THAT difficult to reach. this leaves a worrying 1st-step-to-depression thought: am i not worth at least that much?yes, i do complain and i seem to be asking a lot at times. the key to opening this seemingly expensive door, however, really isnt as expensive as the door looks. why do people always think that just because a door is made of gold, the key will than have to made of equal calibur? ok, maybe you don't think that way, but you get my point. the key dosent always have to match the door. its finding the correct key SHAPE for the correct lock SHAPE that really matters. undeniably, that can be quite excruciating. especially so when that 1 special key is amongst a set of 1001 keys. (in case youre stoinked by confusion, the "keys" im referring to is really just an analogy for possibilities.)i really do not ask a lot. i dont get pleasure from receving material incentives nor do i get pleasure from the life-draining efforts made just to fulfil one's principle of 'making things work'. further down below all these and yet of so much more importance, lies SINCERITY. and sincerity often comes in the smallest ways. one of which we often deem almost comparable to nothingness; words.yet again, so sadly, these little things are cast aside and enslaved by the big evils in our heads. what are they? i dont think im in the position to specify. (speaking in 1st-person context, it is simply based on the fact that i have no idea and neither would i like to find out for myself...)and i have just squeezed the last bit of brain juice in order to decipher whatever my heart was trying to put across to me. although there is so much more this troubled heart has to say, both entities still need their rest. so i guess its goodnight for now and again, thank you for reading.note to self: time to start living for the present... for the present is the real reality.
life's a liar;
4/27/2010 02:01:00 AM
it's never as simple as it seems.
