Thursday, April 22, 2010
tremors...
and people have to understand that when you scream at the sensitive brain, it shakes, flinches and possibly passes out at that moment in time. trauma will soon follow. who is to blame? the brain is sensitive and to be sensitive, it has to give up its brawn......
sometimes, we do things that are not to our justice and put up with whatever we find ourselves in. but that is just another way of letting ourselves know just how much these stuff mean to us, aint it? even so, no matter how i try to hide it, i still can't help but leak hints of the discomfort im enduring from within. im sorry it affected you, baby, but it really wasnt your burden to bear. neither do i expect of you to share it with me... i believe burden can only be sincerely shared if a mutual understanding is present. with that being said, for my case, i dont expect people to put themselves in my shoes. yeah, that will really suck. so...no, im fine, really. (ok i know you know im lying.)
lie? why do you have to lie, benjy boy? why not talk it out?
as pressure increases within this cell of storms, the slightest tension could lead to an apoptosis. and things will never be the same again thereafter. its the thought that counts, i know. i seem to shut myself off when an effort is made and i hate myself for that sometimes. but how can i endure the fact that these efforts i once thought were sweet and were silent ways to show just how much you love me, turn into ugly rants and frustration? i than ask myself: "am i that difficult?" and than impulsive me will whisper: "why can't i just suffer in silence and act like everything is PERFECTLY in place?" i did try, love, i really did...
maybe i am difficult. maybe i complicate stuff so much that even i myself don't know what i want...
-stops and thinks for a moment-
you know, bloggie. talking to you actually enlightened me. i actually do know what i want. and it has been standing right in front of me all this while, blocking my way in the midst of all the hustle and bustle just to give me a hug, silently ensuring me that everything will be ok.
all these insecurities, low self-esteem yet high expectations and impeccable hunger for sweet sincerity. i want none of it. what am i to do when they just keep running back to me? just like an urge to peel a drying wound even when ill end up bleeding all over again...
high up above of all these struggles, hope strikes me and i tell myself : "we're gonna make it through." yes, together we will. i choose to believe and i do believe. -optimistic-
even higher up above all these, i end off this post with a quote that struck me:
You have to walk carefully in the beginning of love; the running across fields into your lover's arms can only come later when you're sure they won't laugh if you trip. ~Jonathan Carroll, "Outside the Dog Museum"
applicable? yesterday; maybe. today; highly doubt it. :)
life's a liar;
4/22/2010 12:57:00 PM
it's never as simple as it seems.
